MAP x A Tiger Cub, Part I - When Love is Wrapped in Perfectionism

For many Asian and immigrant families, the word “love” was rarely spoken — but it was always present.

It showed up in packed lunches, in late-night study sessions, in endless sacrifices made quietly.
It also showed up in expectations.

“Do better.”
“Why not 100?”
“You have to be the best.”

High standards were never just about achievement.
They were about protection.

For parents who had fought to survive — through war, migration, poverty, discrimination — success became a shield. The logic was simple:
If my child excels, they’ll be safe. Respected. Untouchable.

But that protective instinct often came wrapped in perfectionism.

When Love Feels Like Pressure

To a child, perfectionism doesn’t feel like love.
It feels like:

- Constant comparison.
- Fear of disappointing those you love most.
- Feeling like your worth is always “to be earned.”
- Achievements being acknowledged only as stepping stones to the next goal.

This disconnect — between a parent’s intention and a child’s experience — creates wounds that many of us carry into adulthood.

We chase external validation.
We struggle with self-worth.
We fear failure, even in small things.
We become our own harshest critics.

Understanding the Generational Why

It’s easy to see this as emotional neglect.
But for many parents, it was the only way they knew how to love.

- Their own parents may have equated love with strictness.
- They may have never been praised for simply being, only for doing.
- They internalized the belief that only excellence guarantees belonging.

For them, demanding your best was love — because it meant fighting for your future.

This doesn’t erase the harm.
But it gives us context.

Rewriting the Narrative: From Pressure to Partnership

As modern Asian parents, we have a chance to shift this dynamic.

We can still hold high hopes for our children —
but we can free them from the heavy burdens of perfectionism.

How?

• By praising effort, growth, and character, not just outcomes.
  
  

• By allowing space for failure, mistakes, and rest.
  
  

• By expressing love explicitly, not only through expectations.
  
  

• By teaching that being “enough” is not something to earn — it’s something they already are.

• By validating their feelings and experiences as they are, not as we wish they were. Emotional validation tells a child: “I see you. I hear you. You matter.”
  
  

• By resisting the urge to compare. Every child’s path is different. Love the child standing in front of you — not the version you wish they would become, but the real, imperfect, wonderful person they are right now.
  
  

A Reflection for You

Take a moment to reflect:

• What high standards were placed on you as a child? How did they shape you — both positively and painfully?
  
  

• How do you catch yourself equating love with “pushing harder” — in your parenting, or in yourself?
  
  

• What would it look like to hold high hopes, while offering soft landings?
  
  

Healing is not abandoning our parents’ values.

It’s carrying them forward with more kindness, more understanding, and more emotional clarity.

Let’s break cycles — with compassion, not blame.

Want to See This Through Another Lens?

If this resonated with you, we invite you to read part two by Eric Chang (Founder of A Tiger Cub) — a deeply moving personal reflection on growing up with high expectations, and how love and pressure can blur in the eyes of a child. Eric’s story adds nuance, honesty, and heart to the conversation we're all still learning how to have.