MAP x A Tiger Cub, Part I - The Parent I Saw vs. The Parent They Were

For many of us growing up in immigrant, Asian, or collectivist families, there was often a quiet chasm between what we saw and what was really there.

We saw a parent who was always working — long hours, multiple jobs, rarely resting.
We saw a parent who was strict, who scolded more often than they praised.
We saw a parent who seemed emotionally distant, perhaps even cold.
We saw a parent who always worried about appearances, success, and “what others would think.”

But with time — and through the lens of our own adulthood — many of us begin to realize:
That wasn’t the whole story.

The Parent They Were

Behind the hard-working provider was someone who carried the weight of survival, often silently.
Behind the strict disciplinarian was someone terrified of failure — not for themselves, but for their children.
Behind the emotional distance was someone whose own emotional needs had been dismissed or unmet.
Behind the obsession with appearances was someone who had learned, painfully, that being seen as “good” was often the only protection in a world quick to judge and dismiss.

This is the invisible labor of cultural parenting:
A constant, exhausting effort to shield the next generation from the pain they endured.
To provide opportunities they never had.
To navigate systems they didn’t fully understand, while never letting their own vulnerabilities show.

Seeing with New Eyes

It’s tempting — and human — to define our childhoods through what we lacked.
To focus on the love we didn’t hear, the affection we didn’t receive, the softness we wished for.

But growing into a deeper understanding doesn’t mean excusing harm.
It means holding space for complexity.
It means recognizing that our parents’ emotional vocabulary might have been limited by their circumstances — by war, migration, poverty, racism, generational trauma.

It means asking:

• What was my parent trying to protect me from, in their own imperfect way?
  
  

• What did love look like in their upbringing?
  
  

• How did survival shape their parenting, even when it hurt me?
  
  

Healing the Gap, Forward

As modern Asian parents, we stand at a powerful crossroads.
We can honor our parents’ sacrifices and choose to parent differently.
We can recognize the gaps between intention and impact — and work to bridge them.
We can offer our children the emotional fluency that was never offered to us, while still carrying forward the resilience, values, and hopes that defined our families.

This is not about blame or guilt.
It is about compassion.
For them.
For us.
For the next generation.

A Reflection for You

Take a quiet moment today and reflect:

• Who was the parent you saw growing up?
  
  

• Who do you think they were, underneath it all?
  
  

• What would you want your child to understand about you as a parent, beyond what they see on the surface?
  
  

In these questions, we find both healing and hope.

Because every time we choose to look deeper, we build a bridge.
A bridge between generations.
A bridge between survival and thriving.
A bridge between the love that was felt, but not always shown.

And that is the heart of modern Asian parenting.

Want to hear what it felt like from the other side?

As we reflect on the invisible labor of cultural parenting—what shaped us, what we’re trying to heal, and how we hope to show up differently for our own children—we knew this story wasn’t complete without the voice of a child who grew up in the middle of it all. Our friend and collaborator, Eric Chang (Founder of A Tiger Cub), shares a deeply moving piece about the parents he thought he knew, and the ones he came to understand with time, empathy, and reflection. It's honest, tender, and full of insight.